Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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