turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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