If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
