yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
