its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
