Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
