my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
True strength comes from lack of pants
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
