My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
