Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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