Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
