remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We're too hungover to prance.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
