I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Church boner. Awkwardddd
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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