i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
