i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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