She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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