You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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