I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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