First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
