what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
