I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
