**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Congratulations! We have a period
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
