My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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