He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
