We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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