screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
