i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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