i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
