just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My feet surprised me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
