good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
