she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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