Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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