dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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