Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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