well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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