Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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