I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
