Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
