so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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