Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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