guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Damn victory sex feels great
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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