Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Did I show you my penis last night?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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