sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
