my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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