Need sex. Gaining weight.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
