that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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