I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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