Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
