he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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