Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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