WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
