Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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