I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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