if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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